Black & White Thinking in Relationships: Examples, Impacts, & Solutions
“What you see is all there is.” –Daniel Kahneman
Black and white thinking in relationships isn’t uncommon, and it’s essential to understand its impacts and solutions to maintain healthy relationships.
Most relationship therapists, like myself, will say that we spend most of our time learning how each person sees the world and gently helping them expand their view.
At its core, good relationship therapy is about opening up thought processes. It’s about loosening the grip of rigid patterns and stepping into the possibility of new perspectives. When you begin to soften your assumptions and stretch your thinking, something beautiful happens: communication deepens, empathy grows, and connection becomes more resilient.
Black and white thinking is one of the most common, and often invisible, barriers to this growth.
In this article, we’ll explore what black and white thinking is, how it might show up in your relationships, when it can be useful, and when it becomes harmful. We’ll also explore how to move beyond it into a more flexible, compassionate, and connected way of relating.
What is black and white thinking?
Black and white thinking refers to the human tendency to view people, situations, and ideas in one of two opposing categories: right or wrong, good or bad, strong or weak. It’s also known as binary or dichotomous thinking: the mental habit of dividing the world into sharply contrasting parts.
This kind of thinking has deep roots. As far back as ancient Greek philosophy, thinkers like Plato framed the world in dualities: appearance vs. reality, body vs. soul, and reason vs. emotion. Later, religious traditions reinforced similar divides, casting life in moral binaries like good vs. evil or with God vs. against God.
Even modern science still grapples with binary frameworks: objective vs. subjective, nature vs. nurture, mind vs. body. These categories can be helpful, simplifying complex realities into understandable parts, but they can also limit our view of the world.
The challenge comes when we forget that it’s not the only way to think. We may not realize there are more expansive and flexible ways of seeing, especially when it comes to psychology and relationships. Generally, we fare better when we understand beyond healthy or unhealthy, normal or abnormal, toxic or not toxic.
In fact, if we don’t notice our own binary thinking in these realms, we risk slipping into cognitive distortions: mental shortcuts or filters that feel true but often oversimplify reality. Black and white thinking is one of the most common of these distortions. It can lead to rigid expectations of ourselves and others, setting us up for disappointment, disconnection, or even conflict.
Black and White Thinking in Relationships: Examples
Here’s a list of 10 common ways you might recognize black and white in relationships:
Relationships shouldn’t be that hard; if they are hard, then it’s a bad relationship.
If we don’t agree, then we aren’t compatible.
If they really cared, they would know what I need.
I have to be fully myself, or I’m losing myself.
If they didn’t protect me, they must not care.
If I set a boundary, I am being selfish.
If I forgive them, it means what they did was okay.
They canceled plans, so they don’t value me.
If they have a relationship with someone I don’t like, they are disloyal.
I’m either independent or too needy.
Is black-and-white thinking toxic?
The word “toxic” is often used to describe difficult people or relationships. However, the person isn't toxic most of the time. It's usually a specific pattern or dynamic that's toxic.. The same is true for black and white thinking. It’s not inherently harmful and can actually be helpful. It helps us uphold basic moral boundaries (like knowing stealing is wrong), make quick decisions in emergencies, or navigate everyday tasks like driving.
Black and white thinking becomes problematic when we apply this rigid, either/or thinking to emotionally complex situations, especially in relationships. For example, believing “If my partner doesn’t agree with me, they don’t care,” or “If I make a mistake, I’m a failure” can distort reality and quietly damage your connection. Using binary thinking to avoid discomfort, nuance, or vulnerability can feel protective, but it can end up limiting our growth and understanding.
So, black and white thinking isn’t toxic by default. But it can become a barrier to healthy communication and emotional depth when it becomes our default, especially in moments that require reflection, empathy, or flexibility. Dichotomous thinking can lead us to believe things that are simply not true about ourselves, others, and our relationships.
Impacts of Black and White Thinking on Relationships
The number one way black and white thinking impacts relationships is by blocking empathy and mutual understanding.
We lose sight of their complexity when we view others through an all-or-nothing lens: they’re either right or wrong, good or bad, safe or unsafe. This kind of thinking shuts down curiosity, emotional flexibility, and our ability to hold multiple truths at once. It creates a mental environment where nuance can’t thrive, and genuine connection becomes harder to access.
Rather than exploring why someone thinks or feels the way they do, black and white thinking can impact relationships in the following ways:
Push us into judgment, blame, or withdrawal
Turn conflict into a win-or-lose scenario
Make compromise feel impossible
Fuel unrealistic expectations
Intensify hurt feelings and misunderstanding
Make conflict resolution more difficult
Erode trust over time
Strengthen resentment and emotional distance
In short, it creates rigid walls where relationships need open doors. Moving away from binary thinking allows space for deeper listening, mutual growth, and more meaningful repair.
How to Manage Black and White Thinking In Relationships
You can manage black and white thinking and even transform it by recognizing the patterns, understanding how it’s serving you, reflecting on what’s not working, and exploring the value of gray thinking. This also requires genuinely being open to learning and growth.
For many neurotypical individuals, shifting away from this pattern requires self-awareness and proper support. For others, such as those who are neurodivergent or autistic, this process might look different, and thoughtful adaptations may be needed. Either way, building more flexible, nuanced thinking in relationships is possible.
Recognize the pattern
The first step to managing black and white thinking in relationships is recognizing the pattern. Be mindful of when you’re thinking in extremes.
This recognition can be hard to do alone, which is why it’s helpful to reflect with someone you trust –someone who can gently point out rigid thought patterns and offer alternative perspectives.
Having a safe, grounded person to talk things through with can make all the difference. This might be a therapist who’s trained to notice patterns with care and clarity, or a trusted friend who’s done their own reflective work and can gently challenge your perspective. Sometimes, it’s a family member who knows you well and can offer thoughtful, honest reflection without judgment.
What matters most when choosing someone to support you is knowing that they hold your best interests at heart and can help you explore the in-between spaces with curiosity and compassion.
Understand how it’s serving you
Most black and white thinking exists for a reason. It often offers a sense of safety, control, or clarity.
Rather than trying to get rid of dichotomous thinking entirely, it helps to ask: How is this way of thinking protecting me? From there, you can get creative about finding other ways to meet those same needs, without the cost that rigid thinking can bring.
For example, seeing someone you have a relationship with as “all bad” or “all good” can protect us from the emotional pain of holding conflicting feelings, especially when there is a history of betrayal, neglect, or unresolved wounds.
Seeing things in extremes can help us avoid self-doubt or deeper internal conflict. It’s easier to say, “I was totally right” or “They were totally wrong” than to face our own vulnerability, mistakes, or complicity.
Also, black and white thinking can feel familiar. Many of us were raised in environments (e.g., families, schools, religions) where nuance wasn’t modeled. Black and white thinking can feel like “home,” even if it’s limiting.
Reflect on how it’s working against you – and others
Once you understand what your black and white thinking is protecting, you can begin to see where it may be causing harm. It may be shutting down empathy, communication, and closeness with loved ones.
This step requires compassion for yourself and your loved ones. These thought patterns are usually inherited and reinforced over time; we rarely choose them consciously. Allow it to be an opportunity to practice empathy.
Explore the value of gray thinking
The final step to managing binary thinking is opening up to the shades in between – the nuance, the uncertainty, the possibility. This is where real growth happens.
Challenging black and white thoughts and exploring gray thinking (the in-between) allows us to see situations from new angles, which doesn’t just change how we think, but also how we feel and respond. In relationships, this opens the door to deeper understanding, repair, and connection.
This kind of inner work can be difficult to do alone. If you find yourself struggling, consider working with a therapist who can help you develop more flexible and compassionate ways of thinking and relating.
Black and White Thinking in Relationships: Conclusion
Black and white thinking is deeply human; it’s a part of how we all make sense of the world. But when it becomes our default in relationships, it can quietly limit connection, empathy, and growth.
Learning to recognize and shift these patterns takes courage, reflection, and often the support of someone who can help you see things from a different perspective.
If you’re noticing rigid patterns in how you relate to yourself, your partner, or other loved ones, and want to explore new ways of thinking and connecting, I’d love to help. You’re welcome to reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to see if working together feels like a good fit.